Well - Uh unh. No more. Some things have to be set straight. Here are a few of the ones that really need to get fixed, ASAP.
#1) Girls plucking their eyebrows
Within the last 5 years, tweezer sales have quadrupled. Why is this?! Who said anything about girls having to pluck? Are you a chicken? I think this one is a huge Cosmo conspiracy.
Unless you have what amounts to a dead chinchilla above your eye, its fine.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them?
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
#2) Enough with the 'flavored water' !
There's a whole aisle of this stuff at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called SODA.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
That's flavored water.
#3) Chinese character tattoos
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. I mean, WTF? Have you ever been to China? Do you speak Chinese? Just because you shop at Wal-Mart doesn't mean you're Asian. Besides, it's right above the crack of your butt.
And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
It's not cool, and you're not spiritual. You simply lost a bet.
#4) Bathroom Attendants
This one is definitely long overdue. How about this: No more bathroom attendants. Kapish?
Why should i now have to pay to do something that mankind has been doing for thousands of years for free?
First they stare at you, making it take just that much longer. And then after I'm done, some stranger is offering me a towel and a mint?
It's just plain weird!
I can't even tell if they're supposed to be there or not, or it's just some freak with a fetish. Some random dude decided to make a little extra cash after a wedding reception.
I'm not giving you a buck so you can hand me a paper towel from the paper towel dispenser. I can get it myself.
I've been doing this just fine since i was 4, so what do i need you for?
#5) Counting your toddler's age
Hey there. That's a cute kid. How old is he? "41 months" comes the reply.
Months? MONTHS? What am i a friggin' calculator? Am i supposed to solve a Rubix Cube as well just to impress you? What the hell, man?!
I don't go around saying that i'm "three hundred and twelve months old." Nor do i want the metric system. Just gimme years.
"He's three," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.